Vibing Alone

“You were there when I made my first bad hair decisiona

But you weren’t there in the last one.

You were there when a guy broke my heart for the first time

But you weren’t there in the last one.”

Dear ex best friend,

We click with certain people. It matches, vibes come together, ideals come in and people click. It’s different, it’s fun. And you go ahead with life with this person. This person slowly but surely ends up becoming your one person.

U spend time, days even with them, playing, laughing, talking and overall being Ur self.

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It’s said, that “home is nothing but two arms holding you tight when you’re at your worst” and I always thought you to be my home, my own set of arms. I would go to you when I felt down, I would go to you whenever things didn’t feel right or when they seemed a bit too right and I felt paranoid. No human being had stood as close to my soul as you had. No one understood me in ways like you had. And honestly, it all felt wonderful. We would go days without talking, days without knowing of each other’s existence, but it still felt good.

Good things never last.

If all of the mess we created, taught me anything, its that good things never last.

And although some might say that that’s a very negative way to life, I would call it being practical. But I guess that’s life.

Nothing is constant and no one owes you anything. And even though we’re not friends anymore, I still want to thank you. Thank you for being my best friend—and dealing with everything that comes with that. Thank you for the nights we stayed up till dawn just talking and laughing. Thank you for being honest and genuinely caring about me. Thank you for taking me for me, and never letting other’s judgments get in the way. Thanks for never sharing those embarrassing pictures you took of me. And thank you, thank you, thank you for being the best friend I needed during that part of my life.

And although I would never regret how we spent our time together, I will always regret how it ended. You were the one person I was supposed to be able to count on for anything. You used to be a phone call away— you were apparently the one person I trusted amongst everyone. But in end I realized that I meant nothing to you when u meant the world to me. And it feels horrible. Being used. It’s the worst feeling in the world especially when it’s done by someone close to you.

In the end you showed me that although you spoke of me like I meant a lot to you, inevitably, you couldn’t trust me with anything about your life. I was continuously lied to. And I took it all in like the innocent and naïve person I became, around you.

And the worst part of all this isn’t even the feeling that you were used. It’s the feeling that stays after.

“You are who you love.” 

That is the worst part of friendship. When one gets close to someone, they tend to adopt small things about them. I will always remember the way you would chose some of the prettiest shells for me. I would always do my hair the way you loved them. I would design my room and scent them with the candles that remind me of you. I would wear clothes which “matched me well” in your words. A part of you will always reside in me.

And I don’t hate that. Sometimes, I still scroll through pictures of us and smile. I see screenshots of old conversations and laugh. And whenever I see something that reminds me of you or an inside joke, I almost always almost send it to you. I don’t think there will ever be a day when you wont cross my mind at least once, but the sadness and hurt are fading, and I’m learning to look at you as a cherished memory.

Everyone chooses their paths in life, and I guess your path just no longer intertwined with mine. 

But I hope you’re happy. Because I really do wish you the best. I hope you’ve found someone new to send all those weird memes too, to stay up on the phone with on the nights you just can’t sleep, to binge watch movies with, and to equally complain and celebrate about all the things with.

So even after all this hurt and hatred, I am still very much alive. I have survived and there was no one to save me. I saved myself. I started getting comfortable with vibing alone. I started getting comfortable with looking at the moon without you. I started doing my hair the way I liked it. And I have gotten so good at it.

There are still days when I want to call you up and ask you why. Why everything went down like it did, but then I remember that you could call me too. But you don’t, because you don’t care anymore.

And that’s okay.

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Just know that I don’t hate you and that I’ll always love you. Know that I cherish the memories we made and wouldn’t trade them for anything. And know that even if I don’t go up to you the next time I see you, I will always be grateful to have called you my best friend.

And, although I loved us, I would never regret the fact that it ended when it did.

You will always mean something to me, just not as much as you did before.

Love always

Yours.

I am so goddamn proud of anyone reading this. Thank you for existing. I love you